Navigating Over-40 Dating: Insights and Strategies

Krista Melanson

[00:00:00] Krista Melanson: And then the other thing I always tell people is, you know, I know you are married and haven't been dating, but I'm sure you've heard of the whole ghosting thing. And that's, nobody likes to be ghosted, right? You're talking to somebody and all of a sudden they disappear. Well, you don't owe them anything, right?

[00:00:25] But if you don't want to engage in further communication with this person, then all you have to do is say, It was nice meeting you but I don't think we're a match. Best of luck in your dating pursuits. And then I always suggest blocking them because that puts them in the past, it doesn't allow them to come back and go, But why? And I thought we were great. And what happened? You know, you don't owe them.

[00:00:48] Ed Watters: Yeah.

[00:00:48] Krista Melanson: It's common courtesy to say it was nice talking to you, but I don't think we're a match. But you don't owe anybody anything beyond that, move on to your next person. And that's how you keep the flow going.

[00:01:06] Ed Watters: To overcome, you must educate. Educate not only yourself, but educate anyone seeking to learn. We are all Dead America, we can all learn something. To learn, we must challenge what we already understand. The way we do that is through conversation. Sometimes, we have conversations with others, however, some of the best conversations happen with ourself. Reach out and challenge yourself; let's dive in and learn something right now.

[00:01:56] Today we're speaking with Krista Melanson, she is a dating coach. Krista, could you please introduce yourself? Let people know just a little more about you, please.

[00:02:07] Krista Melanson: Sure, um, thanks for having me on, Ed. I'm really excited to be here. Um, I am, in fact, a dating coach. I help men and women over forty to attract lasting love and, and find what it is that they're looking for. I know not everybody's looking for the same thing, but everybody is looking for a connection, a real connection. And that's what I like to help people with. I've been down the road before, you know, single and three kids and everything else going on and no time to try and sort through the dating thing. And it was frustrating and, you know, humiliating at times. And so I thought I want to try and make this easier for people and help them find what it is that they're looking for. So that's become my mission.

[00:02:56] Ed Watters: That's a heck of a mission. Uh, after forty dating, it just never occurs to me. You know, I'm lost when it's talking about dating anymore with this modern world. I've been married for so long, and I'm happily married, dating is foreign to me. So, what's it like being over forty and dating?

[00:03:28] Krista Melanson: It's not great. Um, it's, it's so different than when you're young, right? Because when you're young, you've got your whole life ahead of you. And it's like, you know, Oh, this, this person's great. And Oh, no, it didn't work out, but that's fine because there's other people. But once you hit, you know, forty or a little bit older, then there's so much more at play, right? You're thinking, Well, you know, I'm too old to be starting in this dating game. And, you know, how do we even do this? And, you know, what do people want? And I'm too old, and my body's not what it used to be, and, you know, all my friends are married, and they're in committed relationships, why am I the only one who's single?

[00:04:09] So there's a whole lot of, um, sort of mental sabotage that happens when you're over forty, and that's why I think people need so much support. Um, guidance for sure and, and sort of strategies and tips, but support is a big part of it. Because you know, you need that person saying, It's okay. That person's not the right person, but somebody else is there for you. And, you know, I think once you are over forty, you know what you want, it's not a big drama fest. And I think it's more important than ever to stand up for what you want and not settle for anything less.

[00:04:52] Ed Watters: Well, actually, I agree with that a lot. Because, you know, a relationship doesn't start getting good until you start being honest and open with each other. And, you know, I know going back to when I was dating, I hid a lot of things about myself because I was so unsure about myself. I did not want to offend the person I was trying to, you know, marry. So, yeah, I could see there's a lot of advantage to dating over forty. Uh, I'm sure people over forty, they're more apt to just get to the point and say, you know, be more open with each other. I would find that much more refreshing than going back to that old, Oh gosh, feeling.

[00:05:55] Krista Melanson: Definitely. And you know, I have a twenty year old daughter who's on the dating apps. And I talked to her about it and she's like, Oh mom, you can't do that. Or you can't do this. And it's like, you really can do this. And, you know, it's, but it's a totally different mentality when you're twenty versus when you're forty, or fifty, or sixty. And it's, you know, when you're older, it becomes more important to be honest because, the key to all of it is, is that if somebody doesn't like you for who you are, they're not the right person anyways. So it doesn't, you know, and I tell people all the time, if you're not a hiker, don't put a picture of you hiking because you think it will make you more attractive. Because then you hire, you attract a hiker and you don't want to go hiking, right? So

[00:06:46] Ed Watters: That's right.

[00:06:46] Krista Melanson: being honest of who you are is not just a sort of an honesty thing as, you know, don't lie, but really it's in your best interest. Because the more honest you are, the more you attract like minded people. And those who don't, who aren't attracted to you, are not the right people for you anyways. And that's a huge lesson I think we need to learn.

[00:07:08] Ed Watters: Yeah. Open communication about who you truly are, it really will enhance your relationship. So, talk to us about these dating apps. This, this is foreign and this I don't know if I would do it or not, because I feel that building a relationship should be face to face and, you know, having those get togethers for coffee or lunch, or, and building that rapport through face to face meetings. Because there's body language and, you know, so much is hidden when you're behind a camera or in a chat room. Talk to us about those unfamiliar places for those people over forty.

[00:07:59] Krista Melanson: Well, so here's the thing. I mean, the apps get a bad reputation and a lot of relationships start through dating apps nowadays. But what I advocate that people do is to use the dating apps as a way to meet a person, connect with somebody who you might not otherwise connect with. But not to carry on any sort of relationship in the app. I always advise my clients to get together for a meeting, just like a half hour coffee that's easy to get away if it's not working out or whatever. But get together for a meeting face to face within a week or maximum two weeks. So that is when the dating starts. Like the dating app is like the meet up, but the actual dating and, um, potential relationship or whatever starts with that first half hour coffee meet. And that's when you see somebody face to face and you can verify that they don't have three heads and they're more or less who they said they were.

[00:09:09] And then after, once you've established that, then you get to see if there's any chemistry that makes it worth having a first date. Because I don't consider that coffee meet up a first date, that's your bumping into the grocery store type of, bumping into somebody in the grocery store type of first meet. And then you see if there's chemistry for the first date.

[00:09:31] And I think a lot of people tend to prolong the chat inside the date without meeting somebody. And then it's just a pen pal and you're not getting anywhere. And it takes so long. And, you know, if you go on some of these apps, there's thousands of people, right? So you need to find a process of elimination and chatting for two or three months in the app is not going to eliminate anybody. [00:10:00] So

[00:10:01] Ed Watters: Yeah.

[00:10:01] Krista Melanson: it's, it's, you know, I use myself as the example, my partner, who I met five years ago and I met him online. I met him on Tinder. I thought Tinder was a hookup site, but my kids put me on Tinder and said, No, mom, you need to meet people. Okay, so I met him. And in a million years our paths would not have crossed, right? We just, it just wouldn't have happened. But I mean, we just fit together perfectly and, you know, we shake our heads all the time. We say, you know, We never would have met. And on paper, we weren't the right people. But then when we met in person, we just talked constantly and, you know, we hit the ground running. And I would not have made that connection if I hadn't been on the dating apps.

[00:10:45] So, it really is. You know, I, we started talking on, on New Year's Eve and we went for coffee the first time on January third, right? So we didn't waste any time, we didn't say, you know, we're not here for pen pals and we'll prolong this. We got together, we met, and then it was like, yeah, there's something here and let's see where this goes. So I think the, the dating apps really need to be used as a way to, to connect and meet. But not a way to date, if that makes sense.

[00:11:16] Ed Watters: Yes, makes total sense. So let's talk a little deeper about the attraction phase because obviously attraction is going to change from when you're twenty and when you're getting close to sixty. So what is the difference between the attractions now versus back then?

[00:11:43] Krista Melanson: Well, I think the back then, you know, a suitable starting point for a relationship is, Oh my goodness, she's cute or Oh, he's handsome. You know, it's a very much more of a surface level because time is on your side, right? And you're not, probably, I mean, when you're twenty, you're a completely different person than you are when you're thirty.

[00:12:07] So, you know, you're, you don't, you don't even know who you're going to become. But by the time you're forty or fifty, you are who you're going to be. So you know far deeper what it is that you want, what is important to you for sharing your relationship. Like my ex husband never wanted to hold my hand and he was never affectionate.

[00:12:29] And I just thought, Well, you know, I, I guess that's partly him and partly me and it's no big deal. But now I realized that those are things that are very important to me, but I didn't realize that at the time. And so now I do. And so now, um, when I met my partner, or if I was looking for somebody in the future, you know, the affection and the physical connection, the holding hands or whatever is very important to me.

[00:12:54] And I know that now, but I didn't know that then. Or, you know, maybe it's important to you that, um, you know, at our age, we find somebody who's not a big partier. And, you know, when you're twenty, somebody who's a partier, they're, you know, that means they're lots of fun, right? So, you know who you are and you know what fits with you so much better, um, later in life.

[00:13:16] And I think that that makes dating over forty way more interesting and exciting because you don't, hopefully you don't have as many wasted connections or dates. Because you know what you want and you're looking for something specific. And then when I say looking for something specific, I don't mean, you know, six foot two, blonde hair and blue eyes.

[00:13:37] I mean, the important connections, which are, you know, a sense of humor, or somebody who likes to read, or somebody who likes to travel. And you know that these are the things you like. When I was twenty, I assumed everybody liked to travel. And I knew I did, but I assumed everybody else did too. Now I understand that lots of people don't. So I would always want to find somebody who travels. So it's just, it's knowing yourself better that makes dating more interesting as you get older.

[00:14:08] Ed Watters: And it's meaningful. So you can put that point right to the spot and get more specific. And like you said, That, you know, people over forty, they don't have a whole life. And it could be very stressful in many ways to think about all the time. And, you know, the self doubt and the why. You know, that why factor, why is this? How deep does that get? And does that hold you back in ways from trying to find somebody? That why me phase?

[00:14:56] Krista Melanson: It certainly does. I mean, the mental aspect. The relationship you have with yourself is huge when you're dating over forty, because you are saying, Why? Why am I single? Why is everybody else I know part of a couple? What did I do wrong? Where did I go wrong? Even if you know that your former partner was a jackass and, you know, cheated on you, or, or

[00:15:21] drank too much, or whatever, there's still so much self doubt in people once they get older because they do a lot more comparing to others, right? Comparing to their friends, or their family, or their parents, right? Why am I single when I'm forty? My parents were married for sixty years. So all of these things come into play and they, it's really a mindset,

[00:15:46] it's a skill to learn to soothe those and to understand that you're amazing, exactly who you are, and you're perfect for the right person, right? You don't have to be anything and that's a realization that, that can come so much easier when you're older. Even though it's, it's something that you have to come to realize if that makes sense.

[00:16:12] You know, when you're a kid, you assume you're great. When you're an adult, you may have the tendency to assume you're not great. But then it's, it's not so hard to overcome that and say, Okay, wait a minute. Yes, I am. And I'm attracting that person who fits in with me. And that's the key to everything that I always tell people is that, you know, if you go on a first date with a woman and, you know, she's

[00:16:38] wrapped up in herself and she's, you know, texting her friends or whatever, that doesn't mean you're a bad person. That means that wasn't the right person for you. And that's the key to remember is that these failed dates are not a reflection on the person who's dating or the person who's, thinks it's a failure, it's a reflection on just non compatibility.

[00:17:02] Ed Watters: So it's big, don't waste time. You know, if there's not an attraction or a common set there, you want to move on and look other places.

[00:17:17] Krista Melanson: Exactly. And that's, you know, I always tell people two things. The first one is you've met this person online, you owe them nothing, right? You go out for coffee with someone to see, and I don't mean that in a harsh or rude way, but if you go out to

[00:17:32] Ed Watters: Yeah.

[00:17:32] Krista Melanson: have coffee with somebody you've talked to for two weeks online, you don't owe them another date, or more time, or anything else. You just, they aren't the right person. You move on and hopefully they will do the same thing. So it is kind of analytical in that respect. It's, Okay, this person wasn't right so I'm going to move on. But that's the way you should do it to keep things moving. And then the other thing I always tell people is, you know, I know you are married and haven't been dating, but I'm sure you've heard of the whole ghosting thing. And that's, nobody likes to be ghosted, right?

[00:18:10] You're talking to somebody and all of a sudden they disappear. Well, you don't owe them anything, right? But if you don't want to engage in further communication with this person, then all you have to do is say, It was nice meeting you but I don't think we're a match. Best of luck in your dating pursuits. And then I always suggest blocking them because that puts them in the past. It doesn't allow them to come back and go, But why? And I thought we were great. And what happened? You know, you don't owe them.

[00:18:41] Ed Watters: Yeah.

[00:18:41] Krista Melanson: It's common courtesy to say it was nice talking to you but I don't think we're a match, but you don't owe anybody anything beyond that. Move on to your next person and that's how you keep the flow going.

[00:18:54] Ed Watters: So, so you do want to reach out and say, Hey, it was nice meeting you. I don't feel there's a need to carry on. Uh,

[00:19:04] Krista Melanson: Right.

[00:19:05] Ed Watters: so, so you should have that courtesy and not let people hang.

[00:19:11] Krista Melanson: That's exactly it. I think that's just common decency to say that, right? Because otherwise

[00:19:16] Ed Watters: Yeah.

[00:19:17] Krista Melanson: people do guess, second guess themselves and they wonder and it's just frustrating, right? And

[00:19:22] Ed Watters: Right.

[00:19:23] Krista Melanson: at least if somebody says, you know, It was nice meeting you but I don't think we're a good fit, and say it politely, and then you have some sort of, okay, maybe it's not just, because the tendency is to say, Well, maybe they're just really busy and they're going to text me tomorrow. Or Well, you know, it's been a busy week.

[00:19:43] Maybe they'll text me next week. And then you sort of keep that, hold that mental space for somebody when they're off doing something and aren't giving you another thought. So I think it's really common decency to say, you know, It's, it's not going to work out, I wish you luck in the future. [00:20:00] We have the ultimate out now, because it's, if you're doing it digitally, you know, it's, it's

[00:20:08] not our generation to not look somebody in the eye and tell them this. But it is so much easier. So that just tells you there's, there's no excuse not to send somebody a message. And I'll tell people, I'll say, Pick up your phone. Now type this in, it was nice meeting you but I don't think we're a match.

[00:20:28] And I say, How long did that take? And they'll say, you know, Twenty seconds. You can spare twenty seconds to be polite with somebody, right? And it's, it's easy now because we can do it online. Like you said in the past, you'd be anxious because you didn't want to have to break up with them in person. You don't even

[00:20:45] Ed Watters: Yeah.

[00:20:45] Krista Melanson: have to do that in this situation, it's kind of like the weasel way out. But at least, you know, you say something and you, you terminate that

[00:20:53] Ed Watters: Yeah.

[00:20:53] Krista Melanson: connection and that's the end of it. So there's no excuse not to make that little, little courtesy to somebody, right?

[00:21:01] Ed Watters: Yeah. Big, big, big one there. So let's talk about your coaching and what do you offer people and why do people need coaching?

[00:21:13] Krista Melanson: Well, you know, I have a twenty-four year old daughter who is, um, she's a kayaker, sprint kayaker. She's been competing for a while and she's hopefully on track to go to the Olympics next summer. And there's no way that she would be there without a coach, right? Coaches play a part in everybody's life and in different ways.

[00:21:39] And so the value of a coach would not be disputed, it's just kind of wrapping your mind around having a coach in this particular situation. And so what I say is, when I am working with somebody, I am their drill sergeant, their virtual BFF, their cheerleader, whatever it is that they need. Because there are those times when somebody will reach out to me and say, um, you know, We went on a date last night, but I haven't heard back from them today.

[00:22:11] I don't know what's going on. And, you know, the mind sort of plays tricks on you and so it's great to be able to support people in that way. I have one girl, I always say, I talked her off the ledge so many times. And she'd say, Well, you know, I haven't heard from him. And what does this mean? And I think, well, I think it's just over

[00:22:30] so I'm just going to start looking elsewhere. And I went to her wedding two years ago, right? And she said, Without Krista, we wouldn't be here. Because I helped her through all those rough patches when you're second guessing yourself when you're first dating. So there's the support end of it, which I think is so important.

[00:22:50] Um, but there's also the things that I have learned through, you know, relationship counseling, accreditation, and, um, various courses that I've taken on mindset, and self love, and just so much work that I have done, my inner work, to get me to this place. So I help people to, to start on that journey as well, and to improve their relationship with themselves before they start

[00:23:18] doing the dating thing. And then once they're doing the dating thing, um, helping them to understand why people say things that they say, and how to determine who is a good fit, and how to recognize the red flags, and so many of these little facets when you put them all together. It's like, okay, this is a lot.

[00:23:41] And that's where I come in is to help them to understand and put these things together. So ultimately, not only is their dating, um, dating experience successful, which is of course what we're all looking for, but it's also enjoyable. It's no longer pull your hair out, and think this is terrible, and want to quit every day.

[00:24:02] It's more, okay, I understand now. You know, I, I, that person wasn't the love of my life, but I made a connection and that was nice. So now I'm going to speak to this person and see how it works. And it's just a lot of mindset and inner work involved, I think, to be the best person you can be so that you attract the best person for you.

[00:24:25] Ed Watters: Yeah. In a lot of ways, dating over forty seems to be a fabulous thing. But yet our mind will put blocks there and say, You can't do this. So it is interesting and a coach can help you alleviate that and put it on the back burner for a little while. Just long enough for you to put your toe in the water and then, oh. So yeah, it gives you that chance, that security blanket, if you will.

[00:25:06] Krista Melanson: Definitely. And I mean, it's true, the mind becomes that place that, that makes everything a little bit tricky. But it's coming to terms with what you want and what's important to you. And when I talk about the mindset and getting yourself straight, in the process of getting yourself, you know, loving yourself and understanding yourself a little bit better, then it becomes so obvious what it is that you want too. I mean, you see people, they say, Oh, I just fall for the wrong person over and over and over again. Well, then perhaps you need to change what it is that you're looking for, right?

[00:25:47] Ed Watters: Yes.

[00:25:47] Krista Melanson: I mean, isn't that what they say? What is it? The definition of lunacy is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a different result.

[00:25:55] Ed Watters: That's right.

[00:25:56] Krista Melanson: It's the same in relationships. So sometimes people need to learn more about themselves to understand what it is that they want. You know, and using myself as an example again, I always thought I, I kind of wanted a, uh, professional, um, I don't know, investment banker, lawyer, doctor, that type of person. Not because of the money, but just because of, you know, that was what I thought was right for me. And I now am with a guy who's in construction and I think it's the coolest thing in the world, right? I wouldn't trade

[00:26:30] Ed Watters: That's right.

[00:26:31] Krista Melanson: him for all the money in the world. And I didn't realize that, I didn't realize that I thought a hard hat and steel toed boots were sexy. But it's just, you learn, as you learn more about yourself, you understand that the things that you once thought were super important are actually trivial. And the things that you didn't think were as important were the ones that were the defining characters of somebody

[00:26:55] Ed Watters: Yeah.

[00:26:55] Krista Melanson: you meet.

[00:26:55] Ed Watters: Yep. Yeah, it's kind of odd. So, you know, a lot of dating over forty, people happen to be divorced and they're bringing baggage with it. And it's important to understand, this is going to just bring the same results, that lunacy thing, over and over again. So, it's very important to work it out when you have the issue. If you see that red flag, talk about it now. That way it doesn't build into a tsunami and this is part of setting boundaries in a relationship. And, you know, men and women are totally different creatures. So setting those boundaries to understand, we're different.

[00:27:58] So we have to live together and understand that. Setting boundaries is very important when we're bringing baggage into a new relationship. I always found that to be one of those loony things. Man, if I can't fix it here, how am I going to fix it there? So,

[00:28:19] Krista Melanson: Yeah.

[00:28:19] Ed Watters: it's one of those tougher things to get done. So, if you can do it right the first time, you're going to help people understand that through these coaching things.

[00:28:33] Krista Melanson: Exactly. And I always say, Men are from Mars and women are from Venus and they need a translator, right?

[00:28:39] Ed Watters: Yes.

[00:28:39] Krista Melanson: And that's what it is, is understanding and appreciating the differences with people. And like you say, when people are divorced, you know, if you've got kids, you are going to be in contact with your ex for the rest of your life, probably, right? They're going

[00:28:57] Ed Watters: That's right.

[00:28:57] Krista Melanson: to play some role. So this is boundaries. You need to have boundaries for the ex and you need to have boundaries for your new partner when he says, I don't want the ex around. And it's like, Well, you know, it's my child's wedding. Of course, we're all going

[00:29:12] Ed Watters: Yeah.

[00:29:12] Krista Melanson: to be there. You know, it's understanding that. And boundaries are so important, and people are often, um, have difficulty with boundaries in general. Not just with relationships, but

[00:29:24] Ed Watters: Yes.

[00:29:24] Krista Melanson: setting boundaries for yourself and essentially putting yourself in some, you're putting yourself first in some ways to create those boundaries makes a healthier, happier relationship in every way. And it doesn't mean you're holding somebody back, it doesn't mean that you're shutting them off. It's just, you're sort of saying, This is my tolerance level and this is what I expect from this situation. And I expect you to respect my boundaries. So the right person will be okay with that. And then we come back to the same thing I said earlier, If they're [00:30:00] not okay with these things, then they are just not the right person for you. And trying to pretend they don't exist and say, Well, it's just something I'll have to deal with, never works. If it's a red flag in the beginning, and it continues to be a red flag, it's just going to be like that, that pebble of sand that chafes, and chafes, and chafes, and doesn't get any better.

[00:30:24] Ed Watters: Yeah. Uh, I really agree with that. There, there's a lot to dating over forty and I, I really want all of you people out there doing that to find that right partner and find that intimacy in a true relationship, that long lasting.

[00:30:46] There's ups and downs all the time, every day. But it's the best thing that's ever happened in my life. And I encourage you to find that individual that you can have those ups and downs with. And even those F.U. moments and still get along afterwards. You know, it's one of those defining things about life knowing that you're worth it to somebody.

[00:31:21] Krista Melanson: Exactly. And having that person, like you said, To celebrate your successes with you and to pick you up when you fail and, you know, you're feeling down. There's nobody, your best friend in the world, or your kids cannot provide that same level of support and encouragement as a partner does. And don't get me wrong,

[00:31:42] there's lots of people in this world who are single and they want to be single and they don't want to share their lives and there's nothing wrong with that at all. But if you're inclined to be in a relationship like I am, and obviously you are, not having that person is a huge void and finding that right person to connect with just makes

[00:32:03] all the difference in the world. It's just like night and day and can take you to a higher place and make your life more fulfilling and give you the confidence and the wings to explore your dreams. This makes a huge difference.

[00:32:17] Ed Watters: That's right. So Krista, do you have a call to action for our listeners today?

[00:32:24] Krista Melanson: Um, I would like to encourage listeners, um, if you're interested in talking to me, I would love to jump on a call and tell you a little bit about what I do. And you can find me on, just on my Facebook page, look up my name, Krista Melanson. It's K, R, I, S, T, A, M, E, L, A, N, S, O, N, and reach out to me and I would love to talk to you.

[00:32:50] Ed Watters: All right. You know, it's always fabulous talking to people about passions in life. And this is obviously a passion for everyone, relationship. I want to say, Thank you so much for being here today, sharing your story with us and your services with everybody on the Dead America Podcast.

[00:33:11] Krista Melanson: Thanks very much, Ed. It was really great meeting you, and I appreciate you taking the time to have me on your show.

[00:33:20] Ed Watters: Thank you for joining us today. If you found this podcast enlightening, entertaining, educational in any way, please share, like, subscribe, and join us right back here next week for another great episode of Dead America Podcast. I'm Ed Watters, your host, enjoy your afternoon wherever you may be.

 

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