Overcoming Addiction and Mental Health Challenges

Ryan Gray

[00:00:00] Ed Watters: To overcome, you must educate. Educate not only yourself, but educate anyone seeking to learn. We are all Dead America, we can all learn something. To learn, we must challenge what we already understand. The way we do that is through conversation. Sometimes we have conversations with others, however, some of the best conversations happen with ourselves. Reach out and challenge yourself; let's dive in and learn something new right now.

[00:00:51] Today we are speaking with Ryan Gray. Ryan is the author of Twilight in York, Volume One. He is also clean and sober for sixteen years. Congratulations, Ryan, that's an act in its own. Could you please introduce yourself and let people know just a little more about you, please?

[00:01:15] Ryan Gray: Sure. I'm Ryan Gray and, uh, thank you for having me, I really appreciate having the opportunity to come on here. Um, I am, uh, my last job that I had, I was a peer support specialist. Like you said, I've got sixteen years. So obviously that's a big part of my life. Um, I, uh, was a, I studied literature, creative writing, that was what I got my BA in and I got in, uh, in writing.

[00:01:46] So do a lot of writing, do a lot of publishing. Um, I've done maybe about twenty or so podcasts, but, uh, mostly, mostly about addiction, um, which is what my book is about. Um, that's a little bit about me.

[00:02:06] Ed Watters: All right. So to get this started, let's start with how did you find recovery? What made you finally say, This is enough. I need some help, and then you went and seeked help.

[00:02:26] Ryan Gray: Well, so I got a, I got sober at a pretty young age. Um, I think it was twenty, twenty-one, or twenty-two. Um, I had, you know, a lot of people in my life trying to convince me to get help and wouldn't listen. Um, I'd, uh, honestly, it wasn't until I hit bottom, um, that I started to look at things a little bit differently.

[00:02:50] Um, it's much easier to ask for help when you're, when you've hit bottom because there's not, [00:03:00] sort of eliminates the element of choice. Um, in my case, I was living in somebody's basement. And that person, those people were facing eviction, they were fellow, fellow addicts and alcoholics like, like myself. Um, and they were being evicted.

[00:03:19] Um, so I was facing, you know, full blown homelessness. Um, I had spiraled downward, um, very rapidly. I'm, I'm also schizophrenic, I had schizophrenia, depression, anxiety, and ADHD. So I was not seeing a doctor or taking any medication and using drugs exasperated my mental health dramatically. Um, so when I did hit bottom, you know, I was in a state where, you know, I was facing homelessness,

[00:03:58] I didn't have, didn't have a doctor, didn't have anything, really much of anything. So, you know, when my, when my family said, Let us take you to rehab. Uh, at that point, you know, like I said, eliminates the element of choice when you're, when you're faced with, with such things. So, um, that would be when I asked for help as you asked.

[00:04:26] Ed Watters: Yeah. So, you know, I, I myself, I'm an addict to the core and I suffer from addiction every day, even though I'm sober. I suffer from addiction because it's kind of in my mentality. So I've really have to watch myself and be careful where I put myself and how I actually interact with people. It was hard to separate and make myself different. What was that separation like for you? Because I'm sure that you had to have went through some of this separation disorder that we go through, friends, family, acquaintances.

[00:05:23] Ryan Gray: Um, could you rephrase that? I'm not, I'm having trouble understanding what you're asking.

[00:05:28] Ed Watters: Sure, sure. Um, Uh, when I got clean, Ryan, I had to separate myself from a bunch of people, places, and things that I used to surround myself with, and I found it very discomforting in a way to separate myself from what I needed to separate myself from. What was that like for you? [00:06:00]

[00:06:00] Ryan Gray: Well, like I was saying, um, I, I suffer with schizophrenia. Um, so that separation, um, you know, after, after I went to rehab, I was, when I, when I came off the street, like I was describing, uh, and I went to rehab, I went to rehab for twenty-eight days. Then I was in a dual diagnosis ward for two and a half months. And after that, I was, uh, uh, Cooper East, the, uh, place that we said I was an alumni, alumnus. Um, that I was there for a year and a half, two years. And after that, I was in more treatment. I was in a group home, um, for mentally ill people, which is like, basically like a, uh, it's like, I always compare it to a, it's like a nursing home, but rather than for the elderly, it's like a nursing home for mentally ill people, a group home.

[00:07:01] So I think, uh, just doing that as I was kind of, you know, I don't want to say forced, but, you know, in a place, uh, where I was separated from, you know, being in, living also in different environments. Um, I think that, you know, the book Twilight in York, it's about when I was in York, um, when I was living there. And I think that if I had probably, if I had, if I had stuck around York, you know, I don't, you know, I don't know how, how keen I am about going back there. Because you know, the people, places and things, something we say in recovery, you know, you had to change the people, places and things.

[00:07:55] So, you know, I, myself, had years and years of treatment. Took me, that's, that also shows you when I said my mental health was exasperated by the drug addiction, it took me that long to have some semblance of what I had before, um, before I started using.

[00:08:23] Ed Watters: Yeah. That, that's really a difficult period and, you know, sometimes it can take forever to get through that. I know it took me forever to get through that. And I did not really find peace in my mind until I really separated myself from those things. So that, that is really a good thing to do when we find the courage to step out of our old self and place ourself in the discomfort [00:09:00] of finding new things. And that's why I like podcasting, I found it as a therapy. So my next question to you is did writing your book become like a therapy in itself to you?

[00:09:18] Ryan Gray: Um, also I was going to say before I answer that question, I wanted to say that, uh, most of the main characters in my book passed away due to overdose. And the other main character was, uh, he, uh, he, uh, he and his wife lost custody of their kids.

[00:09:44] And I, I had, you know, talked to him a little bit since then, but it kind of shows you the environment I was in and, you know, what I, what I separated myself from to get out of all that. But, and, um, you're, well, I'm sorry, what was your, what was your follow, follow up question?

[00:10:06] Ed Watters: Podcasting was sort of a therapy for me. So my next question would be, did you find therapy in writing your book?

[00:10:19] Ryan Gray: Oh yeah, definitely. Definitely. Um, and to go from the writing of the book to now, like having people read it and receive that feedback is, has really been helpful and beneficial for me. Um, yeah, it's cathartic for sure. Um, I think revisiting everything that happened,

[00:10:49] I mean, obviously I knew the story, I knew what happened in the story before writing it, but, um, but yeah, it was a very cathartic, um, um, fulfilling, you know, self fulfilling, um, thing for sure. Um, and like I said, to go from, uh, writing a book to having people read it and actually, you know, say, they say things like, Yo, you know, my, my son, my son shows with addiction and this book really, really helped me and, uh, you know, that kind of positive feedback.

[00:11:30] Um, I couldn't have been more blessed with, um, I don't know if I would say therapeutic, but, but definitely helpful and beneficial to, to hear that from, from other people for sure.

[00:11:51] Ed Watters: So that's, that's a good question to ask. When, when we get [00:12:00] bottled up with all of our emotions, we tend to want to turn to drugs or some other addiction. Is that important to rest at that point and just kind of shut everything off? Is that a good recommendation?

[00:12:25] Ryan Gray: Shut everything off. Um, I don't know? You know, if, um, you know, you have a, uh, like a, like a support, support network, support group, you know, people that you have that you can contact that are, that are aware of that you have, you know, substances and, you know, sponsorship definitely. Um, I don't know if I would say like shut things off necessarily.

[00:13:02] You might go with it in the other direction. Um, I think my tendency is that if I'm having, you know, it's been sixteen years, I haven't really been tempted in a long time, but, um, I definitely have, you know, my, my family that I've, um, been blessed to, to have again in my life that will listen to pretty much anything. Um, so it's interesting that you said, Should you shut everything off? I would probably would go in the other, in the other direction.

[00:13:46] Ed Watters: Yeah, that's good. I like that. So, you know, when, when we walk the road of recovery, even though there's many people that have done this with us, we still feel very alone at times. At least I do. I feel alone because I don't feel comfortable now putting myself in the places I used to be. So, uh, that creeping loneliness always tends to show up in my life. How, how do we deal with that?

[00:14:30] Ryan Gray: Um, yeah. I mean, hit a meeting is, you know, that's a way to, um, be social as well as address, uh, you know, your, if you're struggling with, uh, addiction. Um, loneliness, um, having that, yeah, having that, uh, that support, um, [00:15:00] that support network is probably, probably the best, um, best thing I can think of.

[00:15:09] Um, I live, I live alone, so I don't normally get lonely. But I think that, uh, I think that having my family and having that support, for sure, um, keeps me, keeps me so I don't get like that, you know.

[00:15:34] Ed Watters: Yep. that, that sounds wonderful. Uh, yeah. The road of recovery is a long, drawn out game. It takes the rest of your life.

[00:15:48] So, you know, I wish you well down this road and, you know, most of all, I thank you for what you're doing out there trying to share and get people more comfortable with the idea of addiction and recovery. These steps are not easy. And frankly, I hope we see more coming out of you, Ryan. Uh, uh, Do you have plans to possibly start a podcast of your own at some time?

[00:16:22] Ryan Gray: You know, uh, no official plans. Um, I hadn't even really thought about it yet. But now that you mention it, yeah, it's definitely possible. Also, I was going to add the, another way to reach me is my email, which is, uh, rgray, like r g r a y, @alumni.

[00:16:48] Ed Watters: That's good. So Ryan, do you have a call to action for our listeners today?

[00:16:57] Ryan Gray: Yeah. That, you know, it's, um, I've felt, you know, before I got clean, um, the desperation and just the suffering. And you know, you aren't, nobody's with, no, nobody's without, what am I trying to say? Outside of, of reach, you know, and you, you, if you pursue help, um, you, you'll find it.

[00:17:26] Um, nobody's, nobody's too far removed that they can't, they can't, uh, be helped. Um, I've shared my story of, you know, homelessness and, um, choosing to get help. And, um, there's, you know, and find there's, uh, if you've heard of the, uh, SAMHSA, Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration, that's a good go to, [00:18:00] um, to a good place to reach out. samhsa.gov, S A M H S A.gov. Um, but, um, you're not outside of reach of being helped. So,

[00:18:17] Ed Watters: That's right. Uh, I agree with that a hundred percent. And, you know, my advice always is if you're suffering with addiction, mental health, you know, listening to these podcasts are great, but if you can connect with a mental health person in your area, find local help that you can actually connect with physically. That's always the best approach to handle these things. And I know that first step can always be difficult, but once you take that first step, it gets easier the second and thereafter. So these are very important conversations, Ryan, and I want to say thank you for having that conversation with me here today on the Dead America Podcast.

[00:19:14] Ryan Gray: Yes, sir. Thank you for having me, I appreciate you have me on, on your show.

[00:19:22] Ed Watters: I'd, I'd like a return visit when you produce and put out volume two, if you will, please.

[00:19:30] Ryan Gray: Definitely, definitely. I will, I will look you up for sure. If, if I don't, just bug me and, and we'll reconnect for sure. For sure, yeah.

[00:19:43] Ed Watters: Good enough.

[00:19:47] Thank you for joining us today. If you found this podcast enlightening, entertaining, educational in any way, please share, like, subscribe, and join us right back here next week for another great episode of Dead America Podcast. I'm Ed Watters, your host, enjoy your afternoon wherever you may be.