Dr. Michael Jaquith the time-honored teachings of the Faith.

Michael J Jaquith

[00:00:00] Ed Watters: Go ahead.

[00:00:00] Michael J. JaQuith: One of the biggest jobs as a coach is just to hold up a mirror. Cause like, I don't know if you ever like

[00:00:04] Ed Watters: Yeah.

[00:00:04] Michael J. JaQuith: tried to cut your own hair and without using a mirror,

[00:00:07] Ed Watters: Yeah.

[00:00:07] Michael J. JaQuith: it's really hard actually.

[00:00:08] Ed Watters: Yeah.

[00:00:08] Michael J. JaQuith: All of a sudden it's, Ow, that was my ear. Oh my goodness, that hurt. And so, you know, you're trying to do that job and it's so hard. But you hold the mirror up and you're like, Oh, okay, all right, I can do that. And working on ourselves emotionally is way harder than cutting hair. And we try to do this, and the truth is, we do not see ourselves clearly. Without exception, every guy I've ever worked with, a couple of things come up real quickly. Number one, they have a way more negative self image than is real. And number two, there's a lot of self delusions that are happening.

[00:00:36] A lot of things they do not see, sneaky decisions, resolutions, thoughts, vows they've taken that they do not see. There's something that's happened throughout their life very often going back to childhood. A common image I'll use, so as a child, your brain's always trying to figure the world out. What's safe?

[00:00:52] What, what, how do I stay safe? And so let's imagine you're a child and you go in the kitchen and the stove is hot and you put your hand on the stove. Ahh, that hurts so bad. Now most children, mom and dad are there, they explain this is a stove, when it's glowing red and you've put your hand on it, it hurts. But imagine

[00:01:06] nobody said that to this child. The child's hurt, they're crying, they're in pain, they don't know what happened. And they just happen to be staring down at a black checkerboard tile pattern. Their brain is going to associate this pain with a black checkerboard tile pattern. And ten years later, they're going to walk into a kitchen, see that black checkerboard tile pattern. Whoa, nope, not going in there, that's too dangerous. Totally misconnecting the real pain

[00:01:32] Ed Watters: Yeah.

[00:01:33] Michael J. JaQuith: from the hot stove to something. And this happens to us all the time.

[00:01:44] Ed Watters: To overcome, you must educate. Educate not only yourself, but educate anyone seeking to learn. We are all Dead America, we can all learn something. To learn, we must challenge what we already understand. The way we do that is through conversation. Sometimes we have conversations with others, however, some of the best conversations happen with ourself. Reach out and challenge yourself; let's dive in and learn something right now.

[00:02:35] Today we're speaking with Dr. Michael JaQuith, PhD. He's a chemist, parent, life coach. Michael, could you please introduce yourself? Let people know just a little more about you, please?

[00:02:50] Michael J. JaQuith: Well, thank you so much, Ed, for having me on. I'd be delighted to kind of give you a quick snapshot of who is Michael. First, I should say I'm married and I have six kids. So yes, I'm a little crazy. But you already knew that because you said I was a chemist and you know all chemists are at least a little crazy, right? Um, just a couple of highlights, I think my own journey has really been one of, it's been my own journey manifested, transposed out onto my career path. And my journey as I go along, as we'll dive into,

[00:03:16] I came from a pretty rocky start, a pretty dark start. Um, clawed my way out of that. Realized I hadn't clawed my way out of that, clawed my way out further, found a lot of help, a lot of good advice along the way, a lot of good mentors, a lot of good coaching myself. And now I have this opportunity that I get to share with other people and generally guys, what it is that helped me get to where I am now.

[00:03:38] And some of that's going to be adventuring, like, you know, I live up in northern Idaho. We live in a house that has wood for heat. I know it feels like it's so far back there, right? But I love it and the adventure is kind of what I live for now.

[00:03:51] Ed Watters: Hey, that's a good life in northern Idaho, it will make you do something. You're not going to sit on your butt usually, you know?

[00:04:01] Michael J. JaQuith: Oh, for sure.

[00:04:02] Ed Watters: I really enjoy that area. I was raised in Clarkston/ Lewiston down below

[00:04:09] Michael J. JaQuith: Oh, cool.

[00:04:09] Ed Watters: There. Yeah. So I know that area. I have family in the area, my wife's family is in that area. So I know where you live it's, you have six children and did you have them all in Idaho or did you move to Idaho with your six children?

[00:04:34] Michael J. JaQuith: You know, to kind of set that stage, I almost feel like I need to go back a little bit. And so with

[00:04:38] Ed Watters: Okay.

[00:04:38] Michael J. JaQuith: your permission maybe I'll start a little bit earlier here. Because I think

[00:04:40] Ed Watters: Sure.

[00:04:40] Michael J. JaQuith: to understand how this evolved, uh, just for your listeners for a moment here, I'm going to discuss some of the stuff that happened in my childhood in pretty vague terms, but it was some rough stuff. And so I was born in northern Michigan. And my father was basically dragged to the altar to marry my mother by my grandfather when they discovered she was pregnant. And he said, You're getting married. And he was not ready and so he had a number of challenges. He was very abusive, verbally, physically, broken bones were a thing in the family.

[00:05:09] Um, lots of large bruises occurred in this family. And ultimately as it turned out, sexually. And when I was in sixth grade, he went to jail for ten years because of what happened with him and my sister. And this produced a very angry Michael. Like I, I, I was wicked smart and pissed off at the world. And so, what do you do when you have those two combined?

[00:05:34] You just start lashing out all over the place. Like, it's, I love John Maxwell's line, Hurting people hurt people. And so, I went to high school And I was a vicious brute verbally. And so, when you have, you know, someone like me being mean, what do other people do? They make fun of you the way that hurts the most, which is by referencing to what my father did.

[00:05:54] So I also grew up with this deep, deep shame as part of my identity. I had no idea what it was to be a man. No idea what it was to be able to handle emotions. The only emotion I ever saw my father process was rage and he normally did that by throwing something at a child. And obviously that's not the ideal way to do it.

[00:06:10] So what do I do? I run from that situation. I'm like, That's it. Peace, I'm out. I want nothing to do with this. At the time, like my parents are kind of, Christian thing, whatever. I said peace to all of it. I chased out the world and chased hedonism. I did the porn, did the alcohol, tried to chase ladies. Wasn't very good at the time, actually. You know, it's a funny, like, you'd think after all that, but the rage doesn't attract ladies super well for some reason, you know? And

[00:06:33] Ed Watters: Yeah.

[00:06:33] Michael J. JaQuith: so I'm going through college and, you know, going to, then I go to graduate school. And as I'm going through graduate school, I started to realize, You know, this just isn't paying out. Maybe this is not the way to live life. And that's kind of like when my first wake up call happened. I said, I want to do something different. So I started reading books. Um, I just went and talked to a counselor cause, you know, when you're an innocent kid, after that's discovered what was happening at home, they sent you to the school counselor. And if you're not wanting to talk, nothing's going to happen. You're like, yes, yo, no, yes, okay, great, my hour's up, I'm out of here.

[00:07:05] Ed Watters: That's right.

[00:07:06] Michael J. JaQuith: And so about this time, I get a little serious about it. And about this time I graduate, I get my first real job, I'm working for Intel doing high level research, I'm making the money, I get married. Like, on the outside, looks like I've got a great family life, right? At the time we're living over in Portland, Oregon, and I loved a lot of things about Portland but I'm a small city boy at heart. And so that was, that was hard for me to be in a city that big. And then we had our first child and, Ed, I thought that I had ran away from my father.

[00:07:41] Only to discover that he was, that, that still was living inside of me. And I remember the first time, at the time she was one and she was just being a one year old, which means obnoxious and screaming and temper tantruming. And I found myself so filled with rage. Like, what is this? Where did this come from?

[00:07:59] And I, I knew I didn't want that, but I didn't know what to do about it. And so I think at first I had dealt with the symptoms of what would have come out of that family situation. And then it got time to deal a little deeper with what was going on in my heart. And I had to learn how to do something like processing emotions, how to actually have emotions.

[00:08:20] Prior to this time, I would have told you, Ed, I just don't have feelings. Never mind all the neurological research that shows that if you don't have the prefrontal cortex in your brain that's responsible for feelings, which some stroke victims, of course, lose, you are literally unable to make a decision.

[00:08:34] Like you literally can't do it at all. The feelings, the emotions are the seat of our ability to make decisions. Really cool stat science. But I was quite convinced I didn't have them. And so I'd start digging deeper and I start going into, I'll say, what does it mean to be a man? And how does a man have emotions?

[00:08:51] And, and society loves to throw Homer Simpson and Indiana Jones at you. And you're like, Well, I don't really want to be Homer Simpson. Indiana Jones looks cool, but let's be honest. Like I'm a good looking guy, but I'm not as good looking as Harrison Ford is. So that's probably not the path for me, right? And so as I'm starting to explore this, I got really frustrated because I couldn't find a lot of good guides out there.

[00:09:11] There's, praise the Lord, God sent two people into my life, one, first name named Ben, second one named Gary. They just really transformed my life. And with, with their help, I realized that there's this huge piece of emotional processing that I knew nothing about. And I mean, no one's ever an expert at this so I'm not going to sit back and be like, I process every emotion perfectly now.

[00:09:33] No, of course not. But now this brings me up to what your question is, because at this point in time, I'm still living in Portland. My wife and I have had three children. No, excuse me, we've had two and we're pregnant with a third. And, you know, this opportunity comes up to move to Boise, Idaho. And I say, Cool,

[00:09:50] it's a good opportunity. It aligns, it gets me to a smaller city. It moves me close to some very, very good friends of ours, a lot of things lined up. You know, I oftentimes use the phrase God's fingerprints are all over [00:10:00] this. And so we do it, we move when my wife is eight months pregnant, which dear listener, I don't recommend. If you're like, you know, trying to plan your life out,

[00:10:09] doing a big long distance move when your wife is heavily pregnant is not the recommended path, but we do it. And so we end up in Boise and I'm working for Micron. And this is where my entrepreneurship starts because my wife has a business background, right? And so she's, her mother and her mother's husband, it's a long story of struggling.

[00:10:29] And they're like, We should just buy a business and they can work for the business. And that happens and turns out it wasn't a great business fit. And so we're talking about this, we're praying about this, we're trying to figure out, what should we do? And eventually we're like, You know what? I'm going to leave the corporate world, which in fairness, my job at Micron, I had a pretty horrible boss.

[00:10:50] I had the world's best boss at Intel and the world's worst boss at Micron. And I take the entrepreneurial leap and have never looked back since. There are times I miss the golden handcuffs of the corporate world. I, at times I miss the reliable check, you know, the ability to actually get a house loan without having to go through fifteen dances.

[00:11:06] Cause, you know, they don't like to give house loans to entrepreneurs. But the opportunity it's given me to be present with other people in the way that Ben and Gary are present with me, it's been phenomenal. Now, here we are, fast forward, COVID happened, as to the rest of the world. And I realized, you know what? I don't need to be in person.

[00:11:24] And so now I do all my work on Zoom, which means we move north. We live up in this rural area up here. We actually had the last of our children in Boise. We have three girls and three boys and they are a handful. And now we live up here. It's, we had six kids in eight years just to put some perspective there.

[00:11:43] Ed Watters: Wow.

[00:11:43] Michael J. JaQuith: It's very long but I answered the

[00:11:44] Ed Watters: Yeah.

[00:11:44] Michael J. JaQuith: question there.

[00:11:46] Ed Watters: That is, that is exciting. And, and you know, Michael, to do that, that takes a lot of tenacity, it takes work. You know, you have to have a goal for yourself in mind when you choose to do something like that. What, what was the main reason you decided, was it just financially or was there this sense that I need to be free from all of it?

[00:12:20] Michael J. JaQuith: You know, it definitely was not financial. I still have many friends who are still in the big corporate dance and, and bluntly they're making way more money than I am now. Like I'm under no illusion that that would have been making more money. Cause a lot of them now are pretty high level positions in, you know, say smaller companies and they're doing great. For me, a lot of it was freedom. Like, I, I just, when you die, Ed, you don't get to take it with you. You know, I, I

[00:12:44] Ed Watters: That's right.

[00:12:44] Michael J. JaQuith: heard this joke once about this, this really rich and holy man and he's, he's nearing death. He's praying and God says, Okay, you take one suitcase with you. And so he fills it with gold bricks.

[00:12:53] He shows up at the pearly gates, St. Peter himself is there. He says, Whoa, whoa, whoa, no suitcase. You can't bring anything of this world. And he says, I've got an exception. He looks up, By golly, you're right. What'd you bring? He opens up these beautiful gold bars. And St. Peter says, Excellent, we need some more road material over there in the third district. Just send it on over there, we'll fit it right in. And it's, nothing in this world of money will linger, that's not happiness. The,

[00:13:14] Ed Watters: That's right.

[00:13:15] Michael J. JaQuith: the psychology data is so clear that making more money beyond basic needs does not increase happiness. What does increase happiness is quality of connection. Meaningful, purposeful work that you feel fulfilled by.

[00:13:28] And I was doing the corporate rat race. I was very successful, Ed, I was very good at what I did. But I just didn't feel the meaning and the purpose out of it. I went in every day and it felt like the kind of same thing. And Lord love everyone who's working those environments, I'm not trying to put those down in the slightest.

[00:13:43] There's some phenomenally good work, but it wasn't right for me. I wanted the flexibility, I wanted the freedom, I wanted to be with my kids. I take my kids camping probably a dozen trips throughout the spring to fall.

[00:13:58] Ed Watters: So does that make you much more fulfilled and much more feeling like you're successful now?

[00:14:05] Michael J. JaQuith: You know, this feeling successful is a funny thing that comes and goes. In moments, absolutely. There are also moments of struggle, but I think definitely more fulfilled. I think that meaning there, you know, when you're on your deathbed, I really tried, so many self help books say to do this exercise and imagine yourself on your deathbed.

[00:14:21] You know, what do you want people to say about you? Do you want someone to say, Oh, he was a great businessman, made tons of money. Or do you want them to say, He was a good man who inspired me. He was a loving father who nurtured me and helped me become the person I am today. And we all say those answers, the, the right answers, you know? But then we go out and we live our life in contradiction to that. Cause that's just what human beings do.

[00:14:38] Ed Watters: That's right. That's right.

[00:14:39] Michael J. JaQuith: But when you force yourself to slow down and really sit there and say, What am I doing it for? You get something different. And I think the power of human connection is something that COVID and all of this stuff has brought to the attention in a very powerful way. Because like we were already pretty low on that connection. And then we all went to, like, zero. I heard the other day some interesting statistics, the average six-year-old has spent a third of their life wearing a mask. Like, just think about that for a second.

[00:15:07] Ed Watters: Wow.

[00:15:07] Michael J. JaQuith: It's kind of crazy.

[00:15:08] Ed Watters: Yeah, that's crazy. It is. Yeah.

[00:15:12] Michael J. JaQuith: And now I think whenever we see that need,

[00:15:15] Ed Watters: Yeah. We, we need that more than ever, you know, connection, communication. People forgot how to communicate. They got on Twitter and those minimal sound bites have really run the world into this panic, emotional disturbance. And it really takes good conversation to bring back emotional intelligence to really understand where we should be. Our world is very needing of people like you, Michael, out there

[00:15:51] bringing that level of confidence, conviction, and concern that we all should have in the world. We need some more empathetic people. And really understanding, if you are successful, let's help those people below us become successful. Instead of worrying about them excelling above you, educate them how to lift each other up.

[00:16:20] And when they get successful beyond you, they're going to elevate you because you taught them that. We as beings, we, we observe and we mimic a lot. So I hear you say what you think is, what is going to be in the world, that's so true. Tell me why you come to that conclusion.

[00:16:49] Michael J. JaQuith: Let me, I just have to tell one quick story off what you just said first, because it ties in so perfectly. When I was

[00:16:53] Ed Watters: Of course.

[00:16:54] Michael J. JaQuith: working Intel, I had the world's best boss but I was actually really bad at this point in time at handling people and all this stuff. So

[00:16:59] Ed Watters: Yeah.

[00:17:00] Michael J. JaQuith: here's the setting, I get promoted pretty quickly, I'm very successful, I'm doing great. I'm given a team, four people on my team, my first team. One year after I've been given this team, my boss says, Michael, we got to go talk.

[00:17:10] I'm like, cool. We got the new results from the test. He's like, It's not about that and he sits me down. He said, You need to understand, every one of your team wants to leave cause they can't stand working for you. And it was like a gut punch. I'm like, What, what are you talking about? Like I'm super successful,

[00:17:25] our group's doing great. He's like, Yeah, but you're being a jerk face to them all. It's not his term, but I'm, I'm, I'm paraphrasing. And he looks at me in the eye and he says, But I see potential in you. And if you're willing to be coachable, and to learn, and to change, I'm going to give you another chance.

[00:17:39] And he did, true to his word. He gave me a whole new group, reassigned all those members somewhere else cause they couldn't stand me anymore. And he ruthlessly pointed out everywhere that I failed to be vulnerable, to be intimately present with people, to be empathetic, to connect to them, to make them feel heard and wanted. And ruthlessly in email, in person, in meetings, in voice calls, all of it.

[00:17:59] He'd afterwards point out all the stuff, Here's what you failed and how you trampled them. So much so that two years later, one of those original four folks was in a meeting that I was running with my new group and afterwards we come out and he, something, he was very troubled. And he pulls me almost kind of roughly to the side into another meeting room, just the two of us.

[00:18:19] He says, Michael, we got to talk. I'm like, Sure, Josh, what's up? He's like, What happened to you? Like, what do you mean? He's like, You are not the same person you were two years ago. I like this version of you, but I still hate your guts because of what you were two years ago. And

[00:18:32] Ed Watters: Yeah.

[00:18:32] Michael J. JaQuith: So I told him the story. And I think this is something that we do need, all of us need this. And this brings me to kind of your question, which is.

[00:18:39] Why am I here doing this? Because that is an essential life skill we've lost sight of. And bluntly, I think it terrifies most men. Like it's terrifying to think of being vulnerable, being intimate. Like men like to use the word intimate for one physical act, and that's all we like to use it for. That's the reality is that's just one of what should be a radical spectrum of intimacy.

[00:19:00] And Ed, right now in this moment, I am doing my best to be present with you. This is my first time seeing you. You look like a wonderful guy. Got a nice attractive beard. I respect that. And I'm helping you hopefully to see into me, which is what I think intimacy should best be looked at. And as, as human beings, when we are willing to make these connections, that it's not about just the bottom line number, it's not about just your team's performance metrics, but that human connection is so powerful and is ultimately what drives all real success in this world.

[00:19:34] Ed Watters: That is so true. And once we figure that out and we can spread that and people emulate it. We can have kind of a heaven on earth, couldn't we?

[00:19:47] Michael J. JaQuith: A whole lot better

[00:19:50] Ed Watters: It's, it's a dream.

[00:19:50] Michael J. JaQuith: than what we got right now.

[00:19:51] Ed Watters: Yeah, yeah.

[00:19:51] Michael J. JaQuith: It's a constant goal. One of my favorite people

[00:19:53] Ed Watters: Yeah.

[00:19:53] Michael J. JaQuith: I follow is Matthew Kelly. And one of his talks he gave a while ago, he talks about how health is a multiplier talent. And so, you [00:20:00] know, you put together your dream team and maybe your dream team is a whole bunch of nine out of ten folks. But they're all super competitive, they don't work well so their team health might be three. Great, what do you got? Like, you know, three times nine is twenty-seven total team score. That's about how productive they're going to be.

[00:20:11] But now you put together a team of maybe say six out of ten. Like when you're looking at resumes and hiring somebody, six out of ten, that's not very impressive really, right? But if you put together a bunch of six out of tens but they're pretty conscientious, maybe they have teams, like a health score of say, six out of ten, which is again, not very impressive. That team will outperform your dream team because that health is a multiplier of smarts and as a multiplier of talent.

[00:20:35] Ed Watters: That's right.

[00:20:36] Michael J. JaQuith: And that health part is what we have lost so much. You mentioned Twitter earlier, and I love that example because that is like the epitome of disconnection. And as far as I'm concerned,

[00:20:45] Ed Watters: Yes.

[00:20:45] Michael J. JaQuith: Twitter, I don't see the purpose for Twitter. Like, I don't mean, for those of you who use Twitter, it's totally fine, you can use it. But I don't see

[00:20:52] Ed Watters: That's right.

[00:20:52] Michael J. JaQuith: the purpose of it because it doesn't even allow any level of intimacy. When you only have a fifty, whatever it is, character limit, how in the world am I supposed to show the deeper emotional parts of myself to you? Instead you're left with shallow interpretations of sound bytes that cause intense immediate misinterpretations and massive emotional overreactions. Look, I got kids. I got enough emotional reactions going on in this household as it is, I don't need to put up with that mess.

[00:21:16] Ed Watters: That's right, that's right. Well, you know, that's important that you just said that. You know, if, if we learned to step back away from that emotional abuse, and that's, a lot of it is emotional abuse because it's really not real. You know, people are competing with themselves because of fake imagery of somebody else, so there is that vicious loop. And it's hard to break the habit of that when that telephone goes bing, you don't grab it. I went through a detox and I refuse to answer the ding now because it's not good for me. And if we can learn to step back and really determine who we are without the acceptance of others. Yes, we need acceptance of others, but if we, if we need it in the wrong manner, it can be very detrimental to us.

[00:22:25] Michael J. JaQuith: It's so true. I think a lot of people don't properly appreciate that the human being can easily fire on the wrong thing. I'll use, you use the word detox and so I want to talk a little bit about cocaine for a second. Lot of people look at cocaine, you hear me say cocaine, you're like, Michael, that sounds horrible, I would never do cocaine first. Good, don't do cocaine. However, I understand the attraction of cocaine. Is, it is actually intentionally pleasurable.

[00:22:46] It's it's for people who respond well to cocaine. It's one of the most enjoyable things you can ever do. And I bring this up to say, I compare cocaine to Twitter. I compare cocaine to pornography. These things, your body, your mind, responds to in intensely pleasurable ways. That doesn't mean it's good for you, that doesn't mean it builds you up and makes you better. It just means you feel good the moment when you're doing it. And it's

[00:23:10] Ed Watters: That's right.

[00:23:10] Michael J. JaQuith: a sign of maturity to say, Yeah, I do feel good when I do this thing. Maybe I ate a whole tray of brownies, maybe I do cocaine, maybe I watch porn, maybe whatever. But what is it costing me? What is the side effect in my life from making this choice? And do I want to have the maturity to step back and say, Yeah, even though it feels good, I choose something else.

[00:23:31] Ed Watters: Yeah, that's a ripple in our life. Every time we make a choice, it has a ripple. And those

[00:23:37] Michael J. JaQuith: Absolutely.

[00:23:37] Ed Watters: ripple effects, if we can measure those before we toss the stone, that can really be an advantage to us. And by stepping back and acknowledging I'm flesh and blood, so I'm not perfect and I need help. That's, I call for that higher power a lot. But understanding that I'm weak. And if I'm not present in every moment of my life, every decision of my life, I'm going to fall back on those subconscious thoughts, those, those learned behaviors that are subconscious, that just, they're triggered. We have to catch those even years beyond the incident. And we say,

[00:24:29] Michael J. JaQuith: Oh, yeah.

[00:24:29] Ed Watters: I'm healed, I'm past that. No, you're not. You'll always deal with those triggers. And if, if you keep an emotional intelligence about you to identify those trigger points that actually trigger those emotions. I've, I've heard stories about you talking about things like this. It really can change our thought pattern in an instant just by being present of our own actions, our own feelings. When I'm feeling bad, I let my wife know now. I'm having a bad day, please don't take anything personal. And if I get out of line, let me know so I can be put in check. I think it's very important for that communication and that understanding level.

[00:25:23] Michael J. JaQuith: And I think what you just demonstrated beautifully is the ownership of taking responsibility for it. I think so many people like to blame. I'll call them for the moment innocent babes

[00:25:35] Ed Watters: Oh, yes.

[00:25:35] Michael J. JaQuith: in the world for all of my responses. And one

[00:25:37] Ed Watters: That's right.

[00:25:38] Michael J. JaQuith: of the core tenants of coaching is that the thoughts that take place in this little tiny bit of gray matter in between your ears are so powerful that if you could step back and look at what happens because of those thoughts, you'd be blown away that we literally create the reality of the world around us through our thoughts. And it's a powerful, powerful thing when you decide to take responsibility and say, I get to choose what I think about the situation. Here's a classic example I use a lot of the times with people when they're, when they're not buying what I'm saying. Let's imagine, heaven forbid, that there is a man having an affair on his wife. And let's imagine it goes on for a whole year and she doesn't find out about it.

[00:26:18] And then, as naturally happens, one day she does. On that day she is devastated, she feels horrible, she's angry, all these feelings. My question is, why does she feel that way? And everyone always wants to say, Because her husband had an affair. My response is, well, clearly not. That had been happening for a year.

[00:26:36] It wasn't the affair that caused it. Otherwise, she would have been having those feelings for a year. It's what she thought about her husband, what she thought about herself and how those thoughts changed the moment a new piece of information was introduced. But it's not, it cannot be intrinsically the affair because that had been going on for a year. And what's so

[00:26:56] Ed Watters: Yes.

[00:26:56] Michael J. JaQuith: powerful about this is, this is where you have that opportunity to be a little bit superhuman. Now I'm not advocating if your spouse has an affair, you should necessarily look at it positively. That's a pretty, that's, that's a rough one to deal with, but you do get to choose how you want to look at it.

[00:27:09] And you do get to choose to look at it in a light that allows you to feel a different way necessarily than the victim perspective would make you feel. Or maybe you get, uh, you don't get the promotion at work you wanted. You have every power there to decide, how do I want to look at this? I can be mopey,

[00:27:27] I can decide to start doing my job poorly, which by the way, it means you're probably even less likely to get that promotion next time. Or you can choose to look at it as praise the Lord, I still have a job. And you know what? Maybe I wasn't ready for this promotion yet. Maybe I need to grow and maybe that's the challenge I need to embrace.

[00:27:43] And maybe I'm just committed that by the time the next promotion cycle comes around, I'll be so stinking awesome cause I've worked so hard to improve myself. That if they don't promote me at that point in time, I'll go find a different company that will. And you tell

[00:27:56] Ed Watters: Yeah.

[00:27:56] Michael J. JaQuith: me which one of those paths results in a better version of yourself.

[00:28:02] Ed Watters: Ownership, you have

[00:28:03] Michael J. JaQuith: Absolutely.

[00:28:04] Ed Watters: to take it. And when you do, it's remarkable. The feeling of confidence, it changes your whole life. When,

[00:28:13] Michael J. JaQuith: You get your power back.

[00:28:15] Ed Watters: It does, it truly does. I was dirt, I was scum, I was all those bad things. I did drugs, I did alcohol, I ran around on my wife and all of that changed in one instance. And now I look back and I think how blessed I am for every moment that I have with the beautiful woman. Because the engagement that I had with her, it didn't fulfill the vows that I took. And to, to own up to those shortcomings and say, Please forgive me, not only to the Lord, but to the wife. And building that trust back, that ripple effect. You know, we never really, truly identify what's going to happen if, and that's why it's so important to stop before you do.

[00:29:19] Michael J. JaQuith: Yeah.

[00:29:19] Ed Watters: Because those, those feelings of distrust, they last for years. And if a person is already broken from other distrustful things, well, that's going to amplify the distrust that the husband or even the wife may have put on the relationship.

[00:29:42] So owning up and being truthful and honest. And now I'm, I'm brutally honest and I, I need every aspect of my life to be truthful, it's a change. When that [00:30:00] happens, I, you get heated. I'm on fire right now just thinking about it because the change is not only mine, it's for everybody that I'm going to engage from that moment on to bring the awareness.

[00:30:20] So it might not happen and change thousands of lives. You know, just that ripple, if you can stop the throw of whatever, and not cause that ripple, smooth water is always great to walk on. And believe me, if it's choppy waters, you need the hand of Christ to pull you out. Because I'll tell you, this flesh isn't that faithful. So we all fall short. But there is that hope and that, that rekindling that can take place if we desire it. Have you had any experiences like that?

[00:31:06] Michael J. JaQuith: Oh, oh, so many. You're, you're, you're so spot on here. There's a Bible verse that comes to mind as you're talking. When, when Paul the Apostle is writing, he says, Three, he's describing this thorn in the flesh. And, and we don't know explicitly what that thorn in the flesh is. Several biblical scholars I've read say it might be related to lust somehow, but who knows? And he says, Three times, I pray to the Lord, remove this thorn from me. And the Lord said, No, for my power is made perfect in your weakness. And so much of what you're describing right here is an open

[00:31:34] Ed Watters: I love it.

[00:31:34] Michael J. JaQuith: acknowledgement of that weakness.

[00:31:37] Ed Watters: I love it.

[00:31:37] Michael J. JaQuith: And I

[00:31:37] Ed Watters: That's right.

[00:31:37] Michael J. JaQuith: think our culture in general and men in particular have really become afraid of the idea of being weak. Which is a funny thing because of course we are weak, all of us have weaknesses. And like, we'll discuss this in sterile terms. Well, my weakness is, according to this nth dimensional personality profile, are that I'm not quite as good with math numbers as Susie over there is, right?

[00:31:58] So that's my weakness, I'm good with that weakness. Susie can do the math part and I will do the other part. That's not what I mean at all. What I mean is the deep inner weakness. When we look into the possibility that we have failed at something. When we stare our own insufficiency in the face and say, I'm not able to do this on my own. And in that weakness, in allowing that weakness to be there and even recognizing that God has allowed it to bring a greater good,

[00:32:24] that's where we really start to find real power and real connections. When you go to your wife and you say, I'm too weak in this moment to really be present. I'm having this bad day. It's admitting a weakness, it's admitting a failing but it allows for that deeper connection. Because by showing this piece, by being intimate with your wife in this way and showing this piece of yourself to her, it gives her the opportunity to come in. To be present with you, to connect to you, to say, I see you're having a bad day.

[00:32:51] I'm just going to sit with you in that bad day, I'll just be present. Maybe she holds your hand, maybe she just puts her arm around your shoulder, whatever. But she's able to be with you there. And simultaneously two things have happened. Number one, the two of you had this connection opportunity that would never be there if you weren't willing to make that admission of weakness. And number two, you allow her to play a role, to be, to find that fulfillment of serving other people. And we, as a people, are meant to serve each other, to connect to each other.

[00:33:22] Ed Watters: That's right.

[00:33:23] Michael J. JaQuith: And that is a gift to your relationship with her and a gift to her, to allow yourself to admit weakness. But guys struggle with that. It is so hard for us, it is so hard.

[00:33:35] Ed Watters: Yes, it is. And, and I like how you stated that, it really is poignant. And, you know, there's, there's reason behind what was said, and that's finding that vulnerability and owning it. You know, we're all vulnerable, we have our weakness. But when we actually identify the weakness, we can heal it. And, and you state a lot of your, uh, talks about that weakness of pornography and the lust. It's there, it's a strong feeling for all men. And to deny that and not to be honest about those feelings, it's going to be destructive. So owning up to those feelings and being honest with the one that you love the most, I can honestly say that's the most important thing in your life. And once you find the power and the wisdom to do that, it's going to change your life and you're just going to be a different person. And that ownership, it's, it's got true priceless value to it.

[00:35:03] Michael J. JaQuith: You know, I want to dive in a little bit more into the practicality of, kind of what you're talking about here. And I'll share a little bit more of my own story with pornography. So I, I did so much pornography I, it's, it's crazy that a human being could do as much pornography as I did when I was in college. That's, I think that if

[00:35:18] Ed Watters: Yeah.

[00:35:19] Michael J. JaQuith: I were to map it out on average, I bet there was pornography on a computer in a room I was in somewhere between twelve and eighteen hours a day and just constantly immersed in it. And so then I kind of jettison all that, I have my come to Jesus moment, I get married. I'm like, Cool, that part of my life is done. I don't need that anymore, right? And I just like Dry walled over it and said, There's nothing there. And the monster was still living inside me and I just ignored it, right?

[00:35:43] And so what I didn't do is I didn't learn how to process and sit with the negative feelings. And at first, early in my marriage, if, this sounds harsh, but I'll go ahead and say, I probably used my wife to plaster over the negative feelings. Honey, um, let's just go to the bedroom real quickly right now. Why?

[00:36:01] Oh, I love you so much right now. What's happening inside? I'm not trying to connect with her, I feel bad about something, I feel yucky or rejected. But if she does this action with me in the bedroom, cool, I feel better. And look, you're married, you're allowed to do what you want to do in the bedroom. But understand husbands, there is a way to use your wife even within the confines of marriage that's not building the connection to be a better connection. It's not drawing the two of you closer and it's not being genuinely intimate and showing you into the heart of yourself. But it's using her body to feel better about yourself.

[00:36:33] And I did that a time and then when, generally happens in marriage, that just doesn't work for very long. Eventually, the woman are like, this doesn't feel right. I don't want to do that, which is a healthy response on their part because it's not right. What are you? What did I do? Once that started happening, I went right back to porn.

[00:36:47] Well, I know where it does pay out, the girls, the internet never say no. So, you know, they love me more. And so what happens with this and this is all this power of the same thought process occurring again in a real practical level. When my thoughts turn to an artificial substitute for intimacy, then I close the door and get colder on the real intimacy.

[00:37:07] And a man who is engaging pornography, a man who's having an affair, whether sexual or emotional, whatever, has closed the door to a real connection to his wife. And men have to understand that we hold a certain place of initiation within the dance of marriage. Much of what happens in marriage is initiated by the man.

[00:37:28] And when a man initiates a move away from his wife, withdrawing, women will oftentimes echo that, they're, not in a conscious or rational process oftentimes. But we have to understand as men, we've to take ownership that most likely we took the first step. We did the first step back, we did the withdrawal. And it was subtle to the, to the porn addicts brain, he probably didn't even notice. But it was still there and it's still real. And she noticed,

[00:37:52] Ed Watters: That's right.

[00:37:53] Michael J. JaQuith: she noticed

[00:37:54] Ed Watters: Yeah.

[00:37:54] Michael J. JaQuith: real clearly. And my wife noticed, my wife said, What's going on? You seem like you're just really been cold to me a lot lately., Oh, nothing, honey. It's fine, it's fine. And so look, I'm a Catholic, I go to confession. I'm like, I confess the sin. It's good to go. Didn't deal with the root problem underneath, didn't deal with my inability,

[00:38:08] Ed Watters: That's right.

[00:38:08] Michael J. JaQuith: to be able to handle powerful, negative emotions, my inability to handle feeling like a failure, feeling rejected. And until you learn to stare into that dark piece of yourself and love yourself through that, not, not that you're saying certain actions aren't wrong, there are right and wrong actions, but you, the soul that God created is strong enough to endure those feelings, those self judgments, those just yucky things that come up.

[00:38:35] And I'll tell you a secret Ed, most powerful negative feelings, if you allow yourself to sit in them and process them, you'll process them in about ninety seconds. That doesn't make them go away, but you process them and it gives you space to breathe again. It allows you to still be present and in control of your life.

[00:38:52] But if you refuse to process them, it's like shoving them into a trash compactor. And eventually you shove enough stuff in that trash compactor, you get a really nasty smelling green goo that leaks out the bottom and runs everywhere through your life and causes everything

[00:39:02] Ed Watters: That's right.

[00:39:02] Michael J. JaQuith: to get real stinky real fast.

[00:39:04] Ed Watters: Yeah. Uh, a podcast episode I watched of yours with, uh, uh, some gal, she explained with the beach ball emotions under the water. And you, you're trying to hide that and then all of a sudden they just pop and that beach ball pops up. It, it is really like that. And a trash compactor, if you're compacting that down, yeah, there's, there's going to be something coming out. So we really have to be able to take the good and the bad because life is full of both and sometimes it's 50/ 50 and

[00:39:51] Michael J. JaQuith: Yeah.

[00:39:51] Ed Watters: sometimes it's not. So dealing it, with it in a mature way and [00:40:00] a way that if you're not sure of how to handle something, you, you need to be able to converse with somebody to release your thoughts, your emotions, and actually to get feedback on what you're feeling.

[00:40:21] Michael J. JaQuith: Oftentimes,

[00:40:22] Ed Watters: Go ahead.

[00:40:22] Michael J. JaQuith: My, one of the biggest jobs as a coach is just to hold up a mirror. Cause like, I don't know if you ever

[00:40:26] Ed Watters: Yeah.

[00:40:26] Michael J. JaQuith: like, you know, tried to cut your own hair and, but without using a mirror,

[00:40:29] Ed Watters: Yeah.

[00:40:30] Michael J. JaQuith: it's really hard actually.

[00:40:31] Ed Watters: Yeah.

[00:40:31] Michael J. JaQuith: All of a sudden it's, Ow, that was my ear. Oh my goodness, that hurt. And so, you know, you're trying to do that job and it's so hard. But you hold the mirror up and you're like, Oh, okay, all right, I can do that. And working on ourselves emotionally is way harder than cutting hair. And we try to do this and the truth is we do not see ourselves clearly. Without exception, every guy I've ever worked with, a couple of things come up real quickly. Number one, they have a way more negative self image than is real. And number two, there's a lot of self delusions that are happening.

[00:40:58] A lot of things they do not see. Sneaky decisions, resolutions, thoughts, vows they've taken that they do not see. There's something that's happened throughout their life, very often going back to childhood, a common image I'll use. So as a child, your brain's always trying to figure the world out. What's safe? What, what, how do I stay safe?

[00:41:16] And so let's imagine you're a child and you go in the kitchen and the stove is hot and you put your hand on the stove. Ahh, that hurts so bad. Now, most children, mom and dad are there, they explain, this is a stove when it's glowing red and you've put your hand, it hurts. But imagine nobody said that to this child. The child's hurt, they're crying, they're in pain, they don't know what happened and they just happen to be staring down at a black checkerboard tile pattern.

[00:41:39] Their brain is going to associate this pain with a black checkerboard tile pattern. And ten years later, they're going to walk into a kitchen, see that black checkerboard tile pattern, Whoa, nope, not going in there, that's too dangerous. Totally misconnecting the real pain

[00:41:55] Ed Watters: Yeah.

[00:41:56] Michael J. JaQuith: from the hot stove to the other thing. And this happens to us all the time. We all have

[00:42:01] Ed Watters: Yeah.

[00:42:02] Michael J. JaQuith: a myriad of wounds throughout our life that our brain did not know how to process, how to make sense of. And so it did the best job it could, the very best job it could. It took the most information it could and said, You know what? I'm trying to avoid checkerboard tile patterns from here on out because that's what I need to do to not burn

[00:42:17] Ed Watters: That's right.

[00:42:18] Michael J. JaQuith: my hand. And then all of a

[00:42:20] Ed Watters: That's right.

[00:42:20] Michael J. JaQuith: sudden we get married and without knowing it, the wife chooses floorboards that happen to be a checkerboard tile pattern and you walk in the house one day right after she, the contractor finished installing it and you flip out and lose it. Honey, what were you thinking? How could you choose these floor patterns? Everybody knows

[00:42:33] Ed Watters: Yeah.

[00:42:33] Michael J. JaQuith: that's not a safe floor pattern. And she's over there thinking, What is

[00:42:36] Ed Watters: Yeah.

[00:42:36] Michael J. JaQuith: with this guy? I thought I married Mr. Prince Charming, but this guy is just a nut job.

[00:42:40] Ed Watters: Yeah.

[00:42:40] Michael J. JaQuith: Because we don't have the ability to see these parts of our past and how they've shaped us into who we are now. And so this is what good coaches, what good therapists do is, we come up and we say, Hmm, I see this is going on. Let's explore that. And they help to process and say, Oh, you know, when you're a kid, looking back at, now as an adult, you understand what a hot stove is and you understand how hot stoves work. And you can see now as an adult that in this memory, it wasn't the floor pattern at all, it was the stove. And that's the start of the journey, by the way, because then you still have to, because you've got forty whatever years of practice blaming that floor pattern. It's not going to happen overnight. At least then you start on

[00:43:19] Ed Watters: Yeah.

[00:43:19] Michael J. JaQuith: the journey because somebody was able to walk up and help you see something you couldn't see yourself.

[00:43:25] Ed Watters: That's right. Identifying the reality of the situation.

[00:43:31] Michael J. JaQuith: Right.

[00:43:31] Ed Watters: I love how you put that, that's very solid. And, uh, a lot of people, they, they don't want meaning to what they're doing. They, they just want to get through it.

[00:43:45] Michael J. JaQuith: Quick fix, instant results.

[00:43:47] Ed Watters: That's right. And I find that curious, you know, the, I, I can't quite wrap my head around that logical feeling that being stuck like that in your life where you can't just process a logical outcome. But so many people are stuck and like you said, They don't have the reasoning behind them, they were never taught. And, and I think this, the power of podcasting, you, you have a podcast and a lot of people have podcasts that are doing these wonderful things about connection and, uh, identifying troubled times in our life and bringing them to the surface and really educating ourselves about our past lives, that subconscious trigger point moment. It's, it's a need that many people really want to do, but they can't find the power to tell their story and get meaning in their life. So you coach people to kind of do that, don't you?

[00:45:11] Michael J. JaQuith: Oh, so much. And I think, I think what you're saying right now is so true. But I want to maybe put one more element, I think, into what you're saying is that our culture right now rarely presents a healthy view of sacrificial love and relationships, right?

[00:45:27] So, like, when my kids are going through some of the early Marvel movies and we just watched Endgame. That's as far as we're going for the Marvel movies, don't get me started, that's politics, blah, blah, blah, whatever. But as we're watching this, something struck me. In general, the men in that movie are painted as stupid. And there's, you know, there's these scenes where men are just really put down.

[00:45:45] Like, there's one scene where the one chick's walking by and says, Brody, watch the landing, there's an idiot in the landing zone. And like, men are just consistently painted as stupid. Until, all of a sudden, the very end of the movie, hope I'm not spoiling it for any of your listeners here, when one character heroically sacrifices himself at the end.

[00:46:00] And it's like, ahh, this huge sacrifice, the first one that has meaning. And I'm watching this and it struck me, there is no context put into here. In my average life, I'm not going to be in an opportunity to grab the five most powerful stones in the universe and sacrifice my life to save billions of people.

[00:46:16] Like, that's just not going to happen, right? Where's the real practical day to day sacrifice? The sacrifice of, I'm living with my wife, the woman I made a vow to. And let me be honest here, all people are a little crazy sometimes, including our wives. And my job is to love her anyways. And you know what that translates to? That's a real

[00:46:34] Ed Watters: That's right.

[00:46:34] Michael J. JaQuith: sacrifice and it's a noble and a meaningful

[00:46:36] Ed Watters: That's right.

[00:46:36] Michael J. JaQuith: sacrifice. But nothing in Hollywood ever talks about it that way. It

[00:46:41] Ed Watters: I love it.

[00:46:41] Michael J. JaQuith: shows us the big, the grand, the glorious and then stupidity everywhere else.

[00:46:47] Ed Watters: Yeah.

[00:46:47] Michael J. JaQuith: And that's what we don't have. And so your

[00:46:50] Ed Watters: Yeah.

[00:46:50] Michael J. JaQuith: average guy doesn't know what to do. They're like, I have no reference frame. And so what do they do? They do all they know how to do. And that's how we end up with the situation you're describing right there, where people don't do the hard work to look in. They don't even know what the words mean.

[00:47:06] Ed Watters: That's right. I think, I think it's the pandemic in our world today. And

[00:47:13] Michael J. JaQuith: Oh, I totally

[00:47:13] Ed Watters: I, I really feel and I see a change in this occurring. I think people are becoming aware now and it's, it's because of the internet and the freedom of information, as long as it's the right information. So really finding the place you should be, and this goes back to being aware of where you're putting yourself and what you want around you to build you.

[00:47:47] I think this is the important aspect that people need to find. Don't put yourself in that trauma based situation. If you find yourself arguing on Facebook and, you know, getting into those meaningless arguments, you really should check yourself and roll back to understanding an argument's never going to fix anything. It's just going to double down on itself. So, like, like the, uh, instance with your wife. Forgiving, there's so

[00:48:30] Michael J. JaQuith: Yeah.

[00:48:30] Ed Watters: many times during each day I need to ask for forgiveness. And I do. That, that's meaningful to me because you are truly saying, Oh, I messed up. And to acknowledge that and to have the ability to do that,

[00:48:49] I think it's really the point of all the podcasts out there that are spreading these self help situations. You have to take control of your life, nobody else is going to. They're actually going to use you in a manner that's going to suit them regardless of the situation. So, you, you really have to identify with that.

[00:49:18] And it's okay to be used in some situations. And as long as it's a mutual agreement that this is what this is and the context is within this framework, that's those healthy boundaries that we're setting before we get into a situation. We, we really need to take note to our own action and a lot of the times we feel that we can't. And

[00:49:54] Michael J. JaQuith: Yeah.

[00:49:54] Ed Watters: I just don't understand the logic there, but I do [00:50:00] feel there's a change in the tide and there's strong men and women out there voicing, standing up and pushing the truth. That's, that's really what matters the most is the truth. And I don't care if I have the truth, you have the truth, as long as it's truth and we both identify it as, yeah, that's truth. That's where we find connection and meaning.

[00:50:29] Michael J. JaQuith: I think I want to expand what you're saying in one, one little addition here. You mentioned all these podcasts. Here's one thing I think is really interesting that's happening right now. We're living in kind of one of the biggest experiments of all time. So up until extremely recently, the cost of producing media content was astronomically high.

[00:50:47] Like if you want to talk about like one hour of network television, that cost is insane. But with the advent of the internet, all of a sudden that cost was dropped to virtually nothing. To the cost to put a YouTube video up is like zilch. You can buy a couple dollar camera and that's good enough to get something up.

[00:51:04] So what does this mean? All of a sudden now we went from like an extremely limited dietary choice to more diverse selection than you could possibly consume. Like it's that impossible to watch every hour of YouTube videos that are, have been created. You'd, you'd die first, you couldn't do it. So

[00:51:20] Ed Watters: Yeah.

[00:51:20] Michael J. JaQuith: naturally what happens is when you have a diverse range, you very quickly start to see people's preferences aggregating. And so rather than being a forced constriction, you have wide open. And I see two things that are rising based on this new popular general vote that are really, really meaningful, powerful. The first one is the cocaine pile. It's the Twitter comments, it's the Facebook drama and that stuff, it feels good just like cocaine. And the second pile

[00:51:44] Ed Watters: Yep.

[00:51:45] Michael J. JaQuith: is the genuine self help, the good podcasts, the good YouTube interviews like Joe Rogan. I don't agree with everything Joe Rogan says, but his popularity is because he's in this pile, right? He's trying to do something good, he's trying to be real and

[00:51:58] Ed Watters: Right.

[00:51:58] Michael J. JaQuith: authentic and present. And as these two piles grow, what's happening is people are realizing they have all these choices. They tried the cocaine pile for a while and they do the same thing, all of us do when we try the cocaine pile. Like, you know, that felt good, but boy, just, that hangover is real rough. Maybe I'll try this other

[00:52:13] Ed Watters: That's right.

[00:52:13] Michael J. JaQuith: popular pile, right? You try the other popular

[00:52:15] Ed Watters: Yeah.

[00:52:15] Michael J. JaQuith: pile, you wake up the next morning like, Whoa, this feels way better than the hangover I had before.

[00:52:19] Ed Watters: That's right.

[00:52:20] Michael J. JaQuith: And so the

[00:52:20] Ed Watters: That's right.

[00:52:20] Michael J. JaQuith: opportunities here, and this is the great experiment we're in, is watching how does a population into society evolve with what they consume intellectually now that this diverse opportunity's here? This is not dissimilar to the advent of capitalism. I realize we're getting bored on politics here, but hang with me for just a second. When capitalism

[00:52:38] Ed Watters: That's alright.

[00:52:39] Michael J. JaQuith: first came out, all of a sudden the power of choice was present and you didn't just have to buy the one option for Ye Olde Rye bread made by the same person who makes, the only bread maker in town.

[00:52:51] There's 50 million choices of bread. Which means now there's a competition, which bread maker is going to do your bread? I realized there's theories of scandals, put all of this aside, just hang with me a second longer. Because now those breads are in a free market competition and it's an opportunity for there to be really good things to come out of it because the best will naturally rise. And that's what I see happening

[00:53:11] Ed Watters: That's right.

[00:53:11] Michael J. JaQuith: right now in our intellectual

[00:53:13] Ed Watters: That's right.

[00:53:13] Michael J. JaQuith: diet. And I think it is so cool to watch and you see the tides kind of surging. Sometimes the cocaine pile goes up and gets attention. But this other pile, you know, they want to talk about Jordan Peterson. I love Jordan Peterson, a lot of good stuff he says. He's in the pile of the good podcasts. The genuine ways to become a better person, to live a meaningful life, to have meaningful connection and deep emotional rapport. And that is coming in right now.

[00:53:36] Ed Watters: That's right.

[00:53:36] Michael J. JaQuith: So for those of you who are listening right now, don't go into the cocaine pile. Just, if you have to do like me and wholesale give up on Facebook and Twitter, do it. Like I use Facebook just for family, I do nothing else with it. And Marketplace cause I love to save money. And then I, I don't even do Twitter, I don't do any of that stuff. But this wholesome, good stuff, dive into it because it is an opportunity for what we live in now that is totally unique throughout history.

[00:53:59] Ed Watters: That's right, you know. And I'm so glad you brought up Joe Rogan and Jordan Peterson, you know, both of those people will hold you accountable for what you say.

[00:54:11] Michael J. JaQuith: Yep.

[00:54:12] Ed Watters: And it's not a disrespectful way, they do it in a very stern, polite, and meaningful way. No, that's not correct, I'm sorry. And we can have a discussion about this, but I don't necessarily see what you're getting at there. You know, so having that

[00:54:32] Michael J. JaQuith: There's actually a compliment

[00:54:33] Ed Watters: ability

[00:54:33] Michael J. JaQuith: buried in that. There's a compliment, a deep and

[00:54:35] Ed Watters: That's right.

[00:54:35] Michael J. JaQuith: powerful compliment. It recognizes the potency and power of your spoken word that it's so important that I respect it so much that I have to jump in and say it. I'm sorry. I had to cut, I had to say it. I had

[00:54:46] Ed Watters: That's right.

[00:54:46] Michael J. JaQuith: cut you off real quick.

[00:54:47] Ed Watters: No, no, you're absolutely right, that, that is meaningful. And there is meaning when people actually stand up and defend themselves and not only themselves, but others.

[00:55:02] Michael J. JaQuith: Right.

[00:55:02] Ed Watters: You know, truth is truth, no matter where you are. And the ability to do that and put the truth above yourself, and your finances, or whatever, that's very hard in this world today. And I think if we continue talking and educating, especially the younger people, because really that's where change is going to occur. We have to start doing that, educating, pushing. And it's not bad to have an opinion, it really isn't. You should be respected for your opinion, no matter what it is. And if, if we don't agree on an opinion, educate me so I can understand. And that's emotional intelligence.

[00:56:03] Michael J. JaQuith: People get so worked up over other people's opinions. But here's what I say,

[00:56:06] Ed Watters: Yeah.

[00:56:06] Michael J. JaQuith: Tell me which of your current opinions you have now, are exactly the same as they were twenty years ago, if any. People have opinions, they

[00:56:14] Ed Watters: Yeah.

[00:56:14] Michael J. JaQuith: evolve and they change. There's, you know, Ed, I'm sure you and I have a few opinions that are different. We haven't found them yet, but I'm sure they exist. But I, the right response is to say, Whoa, that's interesting. You must've had a very different life experience than me to arrive at that opinion,

[00:56:27] Ed Watters: Right.

[00:56:27] Michael J. JaQuith: tell me more about it. Cause maybe

[00:56:29] Ed Watters: That's right.

[00:56:29] Michael J. JaQuith: there is a reason why you view something differently than me and I can engage with you to try to understand that. And that is such a different starting point than where our world wants to look at it now.

[00:56:38] Ed Watters: Yeah, we need that so much. All right, Michael, uh, I don't want to take up too much more of your time. I can go on forever here. Uh, do you have a call to action for our listeners today?

[00:56:52] Michael J. JaQuith: Absolutely. So here's the deal, listeners. If you are listening to this, I want to encourage you to take the risk of finding someone to get help. It may not be me. You may be listening to this and say, That Michael, he's just way too much of a jerk face, I totally get it. But just, whatever it is in your life, if you're struggling with something, most of us, our common response is to let it drift. We're just like, Yeah, it's fine. It's not that big of a deal, I'm making it work. But you only get one life. You've got to decide, are you making the best of it? Because if you are, awesome. But most of us, were drifting on something. And this day it's easier than ever to find competent professional help. Most people out there, whether it's therapists, coaches, all of it, most people out there will give you an hour for free.

[00:57:36] You have nothing to lose. If right now, if somebody wants to, I give an hour of my life for free. And if they walk away with nothing else for that hour, I still feel like I've served them well. Check it out, check out my work, check out other people's work, find the right person for you. Because the reality is, even if someone's a competent therapist, coach, whatever, they may not be the right fit for you.

[00:57:56] And so often, I've talked to guys in particular, women seem to be a little more open to this, but guys in particular are like, Yeah, I tried therapy once, it didn't work. I'm like, Well, tell me about the therapist. Oh, well, they were blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. Totally inappropriate, doesn't fit me at all. I think I know why it didn't work.

[00:58:11] Find a different one, find one that fits you. But do it, get, take that action. And if you think you don't have time, my response is you don't have time not to. Because the time, and energy, and emotional connection we gain by tackling some of our life's problems head on, is exponentially greater than the cost of that time and energy we put into it in the long run.

[00:58:33] Not in the short run but in the long run, it always is. So that's my invitation. If you want to check me out more, www.catholiclifecoachformen. I am a Catholic, I've worked with men as clients. Um, if you praise the Lord Jesus Christ, I will work with you, we'll talk. Um, uh, if you're an atheist, I'll talk to you too.

[00:58:50] I don't mind talking. I love talking, you may have picked up on that already. But my specialty is I really look at where does the faith intersect coaching and I bring those two together. And if you want someone to help deal with something really difficult in your life, who's going to be respectful of the faith, which is rare these days, that's just the world we live in. Let's call a spade a spade. Come, I'll give you an hour for free. Check it out.

[00:59:13] Ed Watters: That's powerful. Michael, you're a, you're an interesting man and you're doing good things out there, I respect that. And I want to say thank you for being part of the Dead America Podcast today.

[00:59:27] Michael J. JaQuith: Ed, it was a delight. Thank you for having me on. I've really enjoyed our conversation, this was fun.

[00:59:35] Ed Watters: Thank you for joining us today. If you found this podcast enlightening, entertaining, educational in any way, please share, like, subscribe, and join us right back here next week for another great episode of Dead America Podcast. I'm Ed Watters, your host, enjoy your afternoon wherever you may be.[01:00:00]

michael@catholiclifecoachformen.com

https://catholiclifecoachformen.com/

https://www.linkedin.com/in/michael-jaquith-phd

https://catholiclifecoachformen.com/podcast